


Broken

by realheroesdontcry



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Surprises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2014-12-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 18:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2783600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realheroesdontcry/pseuds/realheroesdontcry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kíli got shot in battle. Fíli blames himself and drowns in his guilt. Kíli tries to convince him he's getting better but his older brother is convinced the younger one's about to die. Especially when he accidentally sees something in the medical chambers...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

It was that night when Kíli woke up, awakened by the feeling of loneliness. Startled he looked around, finding an empty spot next to him. The spot where his brother used to lie. The young Dwarf stretched and yawned before he swung his legs out of bed. A shiver rolled down his spine as soon as his toes touched the cold stone floor. With one had he grabbed his night gown and with the other he opened the door. It was pitch black in the hall he stood now in which caused him to walk back into his room and grab a torch. With this in his hand he started searching.

He opened doors, looked around corners, whispered his brother’s name, but Fíli was nowhere to be found. Concern started to grow inside of Kíli and twisted his stomach. He felt sick. Something was not right, he knew it. After an hour, which felt like an eternity for the Dwarf, he stopped searching and leaned against a wall. Where could he be? It wasn’t normal that Fili just left. He always told his younger brother, his lover. But now he simply disappeared. Kíli took a deep breath and frowned. If he wasn’t inside, perhaps he was outside..?

Images flashed by. Images of war, blood, screams. Images of his brother, all bloody and hurt. It was his fault. He could’ve been dead because of him. He failed to protect his brother. It was his fault. Fíli felt the cold breeze through his night gown, which made him shiver. He was cold, very cold. It was almost winter, snow started to fall. Fíli sat, curled up like a ball, against a tree. He covered his face with his hands, so nobody could see his tears. Crying was for cowards. He was a coward. He slowly rocked back and forward. He didn’t know for how long he’d sat there already. When he went to bed, and looked at his sleeping brother, the anxiety suddenly overwhelmed him. He liked watching his brother sleep. He could study his beard, the rhythm of his breathing, his beautiful face and lips.. yet that night he just couldn’t. Images of the war flashed through him like a film and made him choke in guilt.

He had been too late because he was defending himself. He had been selfish. Fíli knew his younger brother didn’t see it that way. He told him that he had been brave and that the wound in his leg was nothing. But Fíli didn’t see it that way. The first few months it was uncertain how it would heal. He had been stabbed with a morgul blade which was poisoned. It was one of the many questions: Would Kíli be able to walk again? The other questions were even worse and made the blonde Dwarf cry.

"FÍLI!" Kíli yelled. He was shivering because of the cold. He didn’t know for how long his brother had been outside, but he must be freezing.

“FÍLI” He yelled again, biting his lip when he put his full weight on his right leg and pain flashed through it. Inside Erebor he found support at walls, doorknobs, etc, but out here he was on his own. He used to walk with a crutch, but wanted to walk as much as he could without it to prove his brother he was fine. He knew Fíli felt guilty but in his eyes that was utter nonsense. He was glad Fíli had been defending himself instead of immediately coming to Kíli, because he could’ve been killed himself. He shook his head as if the thought would been thrown away and focussed on his surroundings.

He stood on the mountain where Erebor was build on and was surrounded by trees who already had lost their leafs. The ground was covered in a thin layer of snow, the night sky was pitch black. The only light he had was that of the moon. Kíli took a deep breath and took another step. Pain flashed through his leg and he groaned. No, don’t be weak, you can do it, he thought. And so he took another one. And another one. Fíli heard his name and immediately recognized the voice. It was his brother. He wanted to reply but his throat was so sore it already hurt when he swallowed. And so he just looked around, his sight blurry due the tears. And then he saw him. The first thing he noticed was his hair. Brown, braided and messy. Then he let his eyes rest on that beautiful face, which looked concerned. The frown on his forehead made Kíli look older. Fíli looked at his brother’s night gown, which didn’t protect him from the cold since he was shivering. And then he noticed Kíli didn’t have his crutch. He knew his little brother tried to walk without it but also knew that was hard. And outside in the snow, it must be hell. Fíli bit his lip to prevent himself from crying again as he watched Kíli struggle to walk properly. He took a deep breath and let his eyes rest on Kíli’s face again. A pair of dark brown eyes stared back.

"Fíli" Kíli whispered as he saw his brother sitting against the tree. He looked terrible. His skin had turned white, he was shivering and his eyes were swollen and red as if he had cried. As fast as he could Kíli approached his brother and kneeled in front of him.

"Fee.. what are you doing out here?" He whispered.

"It’s my fault, Kee, I’m so sorry.. " his brother replied as his eyes pointed at Kíli’s leg. Kíli sighed.

“No, it isn’t, love. I’m fine, really. And you did save me. If you weren’t near me, I had been killed. That’s worse than being stabbed” He tried to smile. The brown haired Dwarf wrapped his arms around the cold body of his older brother and kissed his forehead.

"Let’s go home, brother" But Fíli shook his head.

“I don’t want to, Kee. I can’t live like this. I can’t bare seeing you struggle to walk every day. I just can’t.” And the tears began to roll again. Kíli kissed them gone, one by one, and smiled sadly.

“Don’t say that, brother, I’m doing fine. I’m making progress, every single day. I promise you I will be able to walk as I used to.” And with those words he took his older brother’s hand and pulled him up. Together they walked back to Erebor. Kíli helped Fíli taking a warm shower and put him into bed. He crawled into bed as well and wrapped his arms around Fíli’s now warm body, where after he softly sang a song to calm his older brother down. In a blink of an eye he slept again. Kíli smiled, but frowned at the same time. He had assured his brother that he would be the same again, but he wasn’t sure himself. Slowly he lifted up his shirt and looked at the dark purple stripes on his stomach where the poison worked his way through his veins.

The next morning Fíli woke up with a slight feeling of confusion. He didn’t exactly know what happened last night, but the concerned look on his little brother’s face told him he’d done something bad. The sunlight shone on Kíli’s face which woke him up as well. For a few seconds they just stared at each other, not saying anything, before Kíli spoke.

"Are you okay?" He asked carefully.

"Y..yes, I think.. I don’t quite remember what happened last night" Fíli frowned and looked at Kíli full of curiosity but also angst. The younger brother swallowed.

“When I woke up.. you were gone. I started searching for you but you were nowhere to be seen. Until I found you outside. You were freezing and you cried. Fíli.. you kept telling me it was your fault” And Fíli remembered.

It felt like all the anxiety of that night came back, and he started breathing faster.

"No.. it’s alright, come here" and Kíli hugged him tightly. Fíli calmed down after a couple of minutes and stretched. The day had to begin. It was an ordinary day, like the others. They had breakfast. Then they studied about the history of Erebor, about war and other boring stuff. In the afternoon it was time to practice fighting skills. Kíli had his bow ready and was shooting at targets while Fíli was practicing with his sword. After a while he began to feel tired and had sore muscles. Sweat dripped off his forehead and he stopped to regain his breathe. The blonde Dwarf studied Kíli and frowned when he noticed his brother had a bit trouble shooting straight. He noticed that Kíli bit his lip all the time and trembled a bit. Suddenly something happened. Kíli dropped his bow and screamed. a red spot appeared on his leg. Blood. Fíli wanted to run towards him but he couldn’t.. it was like his feet were stuck…

"KÍLI" Kíli ran towards his brother, who sat on the ground. Fíli didn’t move, only stared to the ground. He was sweating and trembling and Kíli knew he had a psychosis. So he just sat there holding him and rocking him.

“Shht, it’s alright brother.. it’s alright” The pain in his leg was getting worse and he knew it was time for his medicines. But Fíli was more important. After a couple minutes Fíli slowly looked up to him.

“I was so scared.. so scared Kee.. I was too late.” "It’s fine, Fee. I’m here, nothing happened..” Kíli looked up, gazing at Thorin who pointed at another door. The medical chambers. He had to go now. Kíli frowned to Oín who quickly approached them.

"Fee, I have to go now. Oín will get you into bed. You need to rest. I’ll be with you as soon as possible" he gave his brother a quick kiss on the lips and got up. Kíli slowly walked towards Thorin who led him to the medical chambers, leaving Fíli behind. Oín tucked Fíli into bed and told him to sleep. But the Dwarf just couldn’t. He was in shock. He didn’t know what was real, and what wasn’t. He wanted his brother. He wanted to call him, but he was paralyzed. So he just lay down in the bed, staring at the ceiling, until he couldn’t bare the silence anymore. He got out of bed and quietly opened the door. No guards. Excellent.

Fíli started searching for his brother and heard his voice after half an hour. He heard a groan which could only come from his brother. So he opened the door of the medical chambers and scanned the room. He found Thorin sitting on a chair with a towel in his hand. Kíli stood in front of him, shirtless. Normally Fíli wouldn’t mind seeing his brother like that but what he saw now shocked him. Kíli’s belly had turned purple, the same colour his wounded leg was. He had lied. He wasn’t going to recover. It was only getting worse.

That evening Kíli went back to his room. The injuries were getting worse and he felt sick. He didn’t know what to tell Fíli, and felt bad lying to him. But on the other hand, he already felt so guilty and there was no need for more lies. So he slowly walked towards his room, feeling exhausted from all the medicines. He needed his crutch right now, he realised, but didn’t want to use it. He was strong. Fíli had to believe it. So he walked, while holding on to doorknobs, walls, actually anything he could lean on. When he reached his room, the brown haired Dwarf stopped for a second and took a deep breath. What could he possibly tell his brother which was slightly believable? He simply didn’t know. So he just opened the door and peeked inside. He saw Fíli’s back, who was sitting at the edge of his bed. Kíli cleared his throat.

"Brother?" he almost whispered. Fíli turned around and faced him, eyes swollen and his gaze empty.

"How are you feeling?" Kíli asked carefully. But Fíli could only stare.

"Brother..?" Kíli asked again, now somewhat harder. Fíli’s gaze turned from empty into angry, and Kíli froze. He started so suspect things he didn’t want to. Did he know? Did he perhaps see him? Or heard him talk about it with Thorin maybe? But he was too afraid to ask. So he just stared back.

"Fee.. I.." but he stopped. Fíli stood up, walked towards him with an angry face and locked him against the wall. Kíli tried to push him away. He didn’t know what to expect. Fíli’s hands found their way to Kíli’s belly and then he realised what his brother was about to do. The dark haired Dwarf tried to block Fíli’s hands and held tight on his shirt so his brother wasn’t allowed to lift it up, but he was simply too weak. Fíli lifted his younger brother’s shirt up, and froze. He didn’t want to believe what he saw. So he just closed his eyes and made fists of his hands. No. It was just a dream. When he opened his eyes again he still saw the same. Slowly, he rested his eyes on the face of his brother, who looked pale and exhausted. He wasn’t going to make it.

"You lied to me" he whispered. Kíli swallowed, not knowing what to say.

"Why did you lie.." Fíli now said, harder.

"Fee.. I.. didn’t want you to worry.. I’m sorry.." Kíli mumbled.

"You’re dying, Kee. You’re leaving me." Fíli’s voice trembled of emotion. Tears welled up in his eyes and his lip trembled. Kíli closed his eyes. Hearing these words from his brother was the most painful thing he could imagine. When he opened them again, a tear rolled down his cheek. He was broken.

"I can’t live without you, Kee.. I just can’t. With who will I make jokes? With who will I sleep at night? Who will I love other than you.." and he started crying. Fíli sank down to the ground on his knees and buried his face in his hands. Kíli bit his lip and kneeled next to his brother. He took Fíli’s hands in his own and looked at him.

"I love you" he said and his voice cracked.

And so they sat there for hours. They cried and simply held each other. The thought of losing his little brother, his lover, was unbearable and made him want to kill himself.

"Kee.." he whispered. "If you die.. I’ll die too.." Kíli shook his head and kissed him. It was a kiss out of desperation, love, sorrow.

"Don’t say that.." he whispered back. And that was all they said for then. The following days Kíli’s health became worse. He couldn’t walk without a cruch and ate almost nothing. He barely had any energy left to do anything so he only sat in a chair. A few times a day Fíli would help him up and take him outside for a walk, but Kíli never focussed. He just wanted to sleep. Fíli woke up every day hoping his little brother would stand next to his bed with his boyishly grin. But that wasn’t reality. The reality was that he had to wait until Kíli died. He had to live day by day. And that was the hardest thing he’d ever done. He didn’t recognize Kíli anymore, and doubted if Kíli even knew who he was. He was a time bomb, one which could explode any minute.

Kíli woke up, gasping and pounding. He couldn’t breathe. His sight got blurry and he was sweating.

“FÍLI” he wanted to scream, but his throat was swollen. He couldn’t control his body anymore. Is this the end? He wondered. Is this when I die? And suddenly he relaxed. If this was the end, then so be it, he thought. Kíli’s mind was calm. He simply stared at the ceiling, not panicing anymore. He closed his eyes. He just wished to see his brother one last time. Kíli gathered all his power and pushed himself up. He grabbed his crutch and walked out of his room. Where was Fíli?

And so he started searching. He sight still was blurry but he didn’t care anymore. He wanted to see his brother. He walked and walked, not knowing where to go. But his instinct led him. And so he ended up outside in the woods, where he heard noises. Orcs. He tried to walk faster and scanned the area around him. It didn’t take long before he saw him. Fíli. He stared in the distance. Kíli followed his gaze and ended up looking at a legion of orcs. That wasn’t the thing which scared him the most. Fíli was unarmed.

"Fee" he whispered. But his brother didn’t react. Kíli started walking towards him, not caring about the orcs. Fíli didn’t notice him, he just stared at the foul creatures. They, however, did see Kíli.

"More Dwarf scum, I see. Are you also here to sacrifice yourself?" Sacrfice? Kíli frowned and gazed at his brother, who now looked back.

“Kee… what are you doing here?” His voice sounded broken, his eyes were swollen. Kíli immediately knew what his brother was about to do.

"Fee.. don’t do this.."

"Kili, you know what I told you. If you die, I will too. I can’t live without you” Kíli shook his head and bit his lip. No.. why did he do this.

"Fee, you got your whole life in front of you.. and I’m always with you in your heart, you know that. This is not worth it.." But it was too late. One of the orcs became impatient and shot an arrow. It stroke Fíli in the heart. He fell on his knees and gasped for air.

"FEE" Kíli threw his crutch away. He didn’t care anymore. He didn’t feel the pain. He only cared for his brother. As fast as he could he ran towards him and fell next to him on the ground. Fíli was trembling and spit blood.

"No.. no, Fee.. we’re going to make you better okay?" But Fíli shook his head. Suddenly Kíli knew why.

"the arrow is poisoned.." Fíli smiled sadly and nodded. The exhaustion was becoming too much. Kíli had trouble breathing and his sight was becoming black and so he just grabbed his brother’s hands. Fíli was becoming pale.

"This is the end, isn’t it.." he whispered to his younger sibling.

"I think it is.." and Kíli smiled. Tears rolled down his cheeks. He held Fíli tight, and so they both quietly suffered in each other’s arms.

"I love you, Kee" Kíli wasn’t able to speak anymore. He just smiled and closed his eyes. Fíli bit his lip, the pain was becoming worse. But he didn’t care. His sibling’s heart beat calmed him down. He kept listening to it, and closed his eyes. Fíli slowly sank away into a deep sleep and breathed the same rhythm as Kíli. He felt the grip of his little brother loosening and with all his remaining strenght he closed Kíli into his arms and smiled as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Then his heart stopped.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi ^^ I'd like to get some review from you guys so I know what to change the next time I post a fanfiction. Enjoy reading!


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